Finding my Rainbow – and a Giveaway!

“Sometimes it’s hard to see the rainbow when there’s been endless days of rain.” – Christina Greer, Two-Week Wait: Motherhood Lost and Found

the journey continues.

I miscarried last week.

Friday the 2nd I went into the clinic for an ultrasound, and was given the most joyous news! They found a heartbeat! Prior to that appointment, we were told there was a 95% chance I would miscarry. The news was heavy, but I carried it with a glimmer of hope, and now – that hope was a little human inside of me, beating at 108 bpm!

Fast forward to Tuesday the 6th. I went in to Bethel for my first day of work. It is so great there! I am so blessed to have found such a perfect position and staff to work alongside! The day was hectic, as all first days are. Afterwards I came home and met Jeff for his last tempo effort before Chicago. He looked amazing, cruising along effortlessly with a ridiculously enormous grin on his face. I love coaching 🙂. I logged 10 easy miles while he did his workout so I was able to watch and cheer. 

That evening I was exhausted and not feeling myself. I didn’t have the energy to much of anything, even putting Greta into bed. Was it because of the long day? Probably, I told myself. I also noticed I was spotting, and I could tell my stomach was bloated. Or was this bloating really me starting to show? I wasn’t sure.

Her in yellow = reminds me of her endless sunshine!

Wednesday morning I went into work as normal, but what happened was not normal. “This is not good, this is not good”, I repeated to myself as tears streamed down my face. I called the clinic and they brought me in for an ultrasound. I held back tears until the OBGYN came in to tell me the news.

“How could this happen?”

“Why?”

I repeated questions over and over while she tried to explain things.

We just found a heartbeat after all! How? Why?

Was it because I over did it on Tuesday? Oh, no, why did I push myself to my limit yesterday? Oh, nooo…

I sobbed.

The following days were draining, and eventually I passed the fetus. I was not mentally prepared for that, and especially not for that to happen right before we left for our Chicago Marathon road trip. I didn’t think of what continuing on the trip would mean. I was in a car with 3 guys, all of who knew what was happening, but they really didn’t know. I put on a good face for a while, but asked Nate to stop at one point during the trip. I felt like running away. Instead I brought my knees to my chest and covered my face while I cried. Why hadn’t I allowed myself to miss carry like a “normal” person? At home, where I’d have time to grieve? 

Nate asked, “How does a normal person have a misscarriage?”. It was an appropriate question. There is no normal, and it’s always hard. Very hard.

I know miscarriages are common; 25% of all pregnancies end in one. That’s such a large number! I have so much respect for any women and families that have gone through this. We are stronger together, and while I’m leaning on their stories and comfort now, I look forward to the days when I can help someone else through their own loss.

I believe it was a girl. That’s what God told me during my manic episode. We named her Margaret Ann Porath, and buried her Wednesday night. 

She had a beating heart for 5 days, which I knew she fought to grow so that she’ll live forever with God. I can’t wait to meet her, someday.